So, this weekend has been a strange one...really
Friday I dropped off Cornelius at Aggieland Automotive to see if maybe they can figure out what's wrong with my little dude and get him back in tip-top shape for a fairly reasonable price... *gulp* After that I got to talk with my dear friend Sam for quite a while, it was a good catch-up chat, and found out that he might be able to swing down to Indianapolis for a quick visit while I'm there in December - it would be really fun to get to visit with him in person for the first time in almost 2yrs...wow, we've kept up with each other for nearly 2 years after spending a mere 5 days together...blows my mind when I think about that. But that was great and then I went to the movies with B, Tara, and their friends Nate and Becca (we saw Men Who Stare at Goats...it was dumb...nuff said), and grabbed some Spoons following a quick jaunt around the Sam's Club parking lot in a cart...yes, that's right it happened, and it was glorious :)
Saturday I did some stuffs around the apartment and went to MugWalls with Alyssa to work on grad school apps (WAY more difficult than one might expect...oh essays...) for a few hours. After that I ran to campus in Dave (Ricci's sweet Explorer; we've developed quite the little bond over the last week and a half or so), grabbed my bike and went to Jimmy's for our bi-weekly bike cleaning session - always good times. Once we were satisfied with out work we ran my bike back to campus and went over to a fellow mountain biking buddy's house. Tyler (our buddy) had been smoking a brisket all day and wanted to share the wealth - it was DELICIOUS!!! And it was his first one!! I was impressed, like for serious. We had a good time hanging out with him, met some of his friends and the girlfriend. After we were all done chowin' down we were chillin' in the living room and in bursts Jeff Marshall...what?! Yes, Jeff just so happens to be one of Tyler's roommates!! What are the odds?? So I went and had a little chat with him - he was all bummed 'cause he had a poor day at the deer lease...seeing as how it was opening day of deer season he was pretty upset he didn't get anything, especially that 8-pointer who's antlers were inside his ears...poor Jeff. Dropped Jimmy off and headed back to the apartment where I watched Management with Lindsey, David, and Lindsey's sister Kelly and their cousin Tiffany. It was a good little flick.
Today (Sunday) has been a good day, as well. Church was really great - worship was off the chain today...total and complete sincerity and humility in that building, for sure. Butch's message was a good one, too. We've been working our way through Matthew 5, and when I say working our way through, I mean really digging into it...like, taking 3-5 verses a week. Yeah, it's amazing. Today we talked about integrity (Matt 5:31-37) - ranging from marital integrity to oaths. Basically it was addressing how in today's world a person's word really doesn't mean anything anymore because we have all found ways to wiggle our way out of doing something we say we are going to do, or on the flip side do something we say we won't... It was good to be reminded, like it says in those verses, that we are to let our yes simply be yes, and our no be a simple no...none of this finger's crossed, or "cross my heart, hope to die" business... I then made my way over to the Humphrey home and took a gander at their newly put-together guest room - it is truly lovely. They did a fantastic job at making it welcoming and giving it a warm, safe feeling. (I'll be visiting after graduation, for sure!) We had lunch, and had a really wonderful visit talking about, as Josh puts it, "real things" :) I just love them, they are truly a blessing in my life...not only are they wonderful company, but they are an amazing example of what it means to walk in the Lord in everything, and they are so willing to give, whether it's simply inviting me for lunch or dinner or, on a larger scale, lending me Dave until Cornelius is up and running again... I definitely thank God for them all the time.
Post-Humphrey time is where things got really weird for me today. I've been very tense all afternoon about something and I'm not quite sure what it is...I have an inkling, but that can't be the only thing that is putting me in this funk. Lately I've really been struggling with the pain of the events surrounding me and Marcos, as it is November again and the 2nd (two years ago...wow) is when we re-committed to try and make things work, and then everything after that just got worse and worse....leading into my spell with depression...yeah, that was a fun Christmas...not! It's not that I want him back - yes, I miss what we had, I won't lie - but more that it still just plain hurts. I gave him my whole heart and he broke it, so badly that I wasn't sure those little shards would ever fit back together again. I've been doing a lot of evaluating of everything that has happened throughout my time in college over the course of this semester, and how different things have turned out from what I had planned/imagined. Once sophomore year rolled around I always imagined having Marcos and rest of the Ybarra family at my graduation and just still having them all playing the roles they were playing in my life over two years ago...I imagined graduating with everyone from my class, instead of walking after the majority of them all...I imagined that I would be getting ready to go, or starting vet school right now...I certainly never imagined not really having a post-graduation plan - I mean I have ideas about grad school working out, but otherwise, I got nothin'...I imagined I would be engaged and planning a wedding or at least nearing that point (this really isn't something I'm struggling with, just something I thought would have happened the way things were sophomore year)...I imagined I would have more of an idea of who I am... It's all just very humbling to think about, ya know? Recognizing that no matter how much we all plan for things to happen a certain way in our lives, we never have any true control - it's always, always God who has the final say. That's something Ben talked about at Breakaway on Tuesday: how James reminds us that it is literally walking in sin to have the audacity to say that "I will be doing this or that tomorrow...in a month...in two years..." Yeah, that is definitely something I do all the time. I'm a planner - I'm a sinner. I don't leave everything in the hands of God, I don't consult Him in everything I do. Everything. Hmm, that was a slight digression, but a good one...back to this afternoon. I've been on the verge of tears since about 4, and I can't figure out if it's the Marcos thing or something else or a combination of things. It's very weird. I have the worst tension headache, I can't hold my attention on anything to save my life, I'm just a mess - and I have no idea why or about what. Talk about frustrating. I've been feeling very alone this afternoon, too...it's all so WEIRD!! I've had a pretty flawless weekend, and so I just don't understand what the deal is... I think I'm going to finish reviewing my trees for tomorrow and go spend some one-on-one time with my Heavenly Daddy. I need His clarity and comfort today. I need to be reminded that I am dearly loved by Him who watches every moment of my life and knows every hair on my head, every hurt and joy in my heart, every fear, everything. Yeah, I'm off to do that.
Love you all dearly.
Shalom,
~MW
