...Sigh...

...Following Jesus is really hard.

...He makes me do a lot of things I selfishly do not want to do.

...He shows me things about myself I would much rather remain ignorant to.

...And then He turns around and wraps me in His mighty arms and reminds me that He still and will always love me, in-spite of me and my innumerable shortcomings.

...Hallelujah...what a Savior.


--Lately my Heavenly Daddy has been doing some serious breaking and remolding in me. And, to be completely honest, it really hurts. A lot. {Not to be confused with the alot.}
--When God shatters the "perfect little world" you have allowed yourself to be deceived into believing exists, there's a lot of really loud sounds as walls come crashing down, shelves fly off the walls, every last trinket that once sat prettily arranged on those shelves shatters into millions of pieces, buildings go up in smoke while red and embery-orange tongues of fire lap at that blackest of night skies while you stand in total and complete disbelief and eventually end up crumpling to the ground in a heap of brokenness, confusion, pain, loss, disappointment, anger...utterly heart-broken. And that's just the external part of it all...once He starts working on you the pain multiplies at an exponential rate, as your spirit is wrenched from the grips of your carnal flesh, and you beg for mercy. Only to discover that this pain is the mercy...
--When God says it's time to cut the crap He means it and He's not going to let you get away with anything...and that is beautiful.

--How is it that something so graphically horrid can be beautiful? Because God doesn't leave that scene of endless rubble in that state. He doesn't leave your spirit broken and seeping.
--He very carefully, deliberately, and lovingly starts to clean up the mess He had to make of you so He can start planting, building, and growing the things He wants to see in your life and knows are absolutely best for you.
--He tenderly, yet firmly, sets those broken bones and bandages those seeping wounds, soothing them with the salve of His precious blood.
--He heals your broken world and broken spirit.
--He renews it.
--He remolds it.
--He makes everything absolutely beautiful.

This has been my life over the last 5-6 months...He warned me it was coming about 10 months ago, but I put up quite a fight. I knew it was going to be painful. And, even with my high pain threshold, I didn't want to experience it. I thought I could maybe just make a few adjustments here and there and make it all look like I was lining up with what God wanted for me...why/how I thought I could ever pull a fast one on my all-knowing Father, I have no idea - yay humanity... Well, needless to say, I did not succeed. Shocked, anyone? Yeah...I really wasn't either.

Two big things God has been teaching me about and rewiring in me: (1) HE IS ENOUGH. (2) IF HE SAYS "GO"...YOU GO.

1. He is enough.

With this one it was an issue of me wanting to be at a stage of my life that God does not want me in right now. While I may be ready to start a family, God told me, "No." Boo. It was a difficult yet peaceful realization to come to. In my heart I felt one thing and when that question was raised and finally answered my will did not align with God's. So...I took that answer, laid myself humbly before my God and let Him break me. Wow...such beautiful lessons He has taught me. Some excruciatingly painful, but so beautiful in the finished product. I've started working through Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones' Lady in Waiting with another sister, and the things God has been showing me in working through this amazingly honest study are mind-numbing. This is the second time I've gone through this book, and it's like I never read it the first time through.

• My ultimate fulfillment will not be found in marriage.
• Ultimate fulfillment comes in following Christ with reckless abandonment...ho, this looks legitimately insane at times...
• I will receive His terms without resentment.
• Faith cannot be a lifeless ritual - it must be a vital love relationship with Jesus.
• Incompleteness is not the result of being single, but of not being full of Jesus.
• I can never complete another: we were not created to complete another, but to complement. Completion is Jesus' responsibility and complementing is a woman's privilege. I have absolutely loved coming to this realization. We are bombarded with the idea that, even in a society where women are more and more "independent," we won't be complete until we are married and have children (most recent case-in-point The Backup Plan). Thank you, Hollywood... This is SO far off base. If we think we will find completion and fulfillment in our spouse we are setting ourselves up for failure - we are being totally and completely unfair to our spouses by expecting them to fill every last emptiness in our beings. How can one person ever do that?! Living under this false pretense leads to nothing but a strained and broken marriage as husbands and wives drain and exhaust one another. GOD COMPLETES, WE COMPLEMENT. What a relief!!!
• I need to courageously determine to pursue Jesus with my whole heart, soul, and mind - I need to establish a radical relationship with Christ.

Umm...those were my notes from one chapter...you can imagine what going through the other 9 chapters is revealing! I'll share all that later on in other posts.

God has told me point blank that right now I am single. I don't like it...but I accept it, and I'm actually quite excited to see why I am single right now. He told me that He needs me right now...all of me. Scary!! In recklessly abandoning yourself to God you open the door for Him to move in your life in ways that you could never imagine - and, it can be really scary when you look at it all on earthly terms...I mean, terrifying. I don't know what He's planning (er...already has planned...He's God!!) or what He is going to do with me, but I cannot wait to know! Ah, patience...that's another lesson He's been teaching me the last 5 months, haha. Neat.


2. If He says "Go"...You go...

...Geesh...this one has been hard, too - even more so, I think. He's making me go to the frozen tundra. Yes, I want to go.
...But I've been realizing more and more that this is not going to be a breeze of a move for me. I thought I was kind of numb to the whole process of picking up my shallowly planted roots and setting them down some place else after having moved about 9 times over the course of my life...
...But then I realized something: I finally invested myself in a community. That's not to say that I wasn't busy as a bee in all the other places I have lived, but I have truly invested myself in a family here in CS.
...Leaving Living Hope is going to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done...I mean, I think I have worshiped here as much as, if not more than, I have been worshiping at home this semester, and home is three hours away. Desperate to stay much??
...The relationships I have made here go deeper than friendship and deeper than family in many cases - this is the family of God and those ties are not broken easily.
...I don't want to find another church...
...I don't want to find another church family...
...I want to take this one with me.
...I'm frustrated with God for not calling me to go to grad school at A&M. He put me at Living Hope for a reason almost a year and a half ago and now He's ripping me away from them. Why?? It doesn't seem fair. But I have comfort in knowing that He would never do anything that won't lead to bettering me and my walk with Him.
...It's exciting to move off to a new place...I mean, let's face it, the frozen tundra is pretty much a foreign country...and move into a new home (complete with kitty and new puppy...and the bugs too!) and start a new life; meet new people and experience new things...the list goes on.
...But when you find, for the first time in 16 or so years, a community that strives to live as Christ would, holds one another accountable in love, pours into one another, lives as a family with nearly unfailing love (I mean, we're human...things happen) it's hard to imagine ever finding that anywhere else.
...I'm afraid I won't be able to find sisters and brothers who will challenge me in my faith like my brothers and sisters do here.
...I'm afraid I won't find older believers who will impart wisdom and teach like the older believers do here.
...I'm afraid I won't find a place with younger/newer believers who I can pour into and encourage like I have here...
...I'm afraid of leaving the comforts of the Bible-belt. I mean, if we are really honest it's insanely easy to be a Christian in the South - it's pretty much politically correct for goodness' sake!
...I'm afraid of the inevitable heightened persecution (especially in the world of science). I'm afraid I'll deny my God before men... This is going to be a severe test of my faith and devotion to my God. My precious, unfailing, mighty, everlasting God! How can I even imagine denying Him when I know all of that about Him?! I have denied Him even here...
...But, I will go.
...He is with me and He is for me. I'm so thankful for Chris Tomlin's new reminder of that beautiful Scripture with his new song Our God, it makes it so much easier for me to remember things when they are set to music!

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"
~Romans 8:31-32

...He definitely has me covered.
...Suffering is inevitable (Philippians 1:29, 2 Timothy 3:12, 1 Peter 2:21, etc...), but endurance comes from suffering...as long as I rest in the Lord nothing will be unbearable, but rather I am looking forward to rejoicing in all things!

I've been extremely conflicted lately. I've allowed the Enemy to weasel his way into my mind and I've allowed him to deceive me.

I've knowingly believed his lies...why do we do this to ourselves?! Why do we allow ourselves to believe Satan when we know he is feeding us lies dripping with poison?!

I hate being human.

Come, Lord Jesus!

I've allowed myself to believe Satan's lies about my personal worth, about God's mightiness and provision...allowing Satan to enter in definitely makes it more difficult to willingly and joyfully follow God's commands and call.

This song, By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North (along with Healing Begins), is another sweet reminder to my soul right now: no matter how much I might forget that God is in control and so try to do things on my own He will always love me and always be by my side:

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

...Sigh...

God never ceases to amaze me. Even in all of my uncertainties and pain right now He has placed my spirit in an amazing state of peace. It's been mind blowing to begin to understand the difference between what I feel in my flesh and what I feel in my spirit - they are worlds apart and so often conflicting, which can be confusing, but therein lies the beauty of resting in God's powerful hands. He's still refining me...I promise He is nowhere near being done...I'm still bleeding too much, fires are still smoldering, debris is still scattered...but new life is growing, foundations are being laid, wounds are beginning to heal, bones are beginning to re-grow. It's painfully beautiful. {Whatever You're Doing = my anthem (I know...I have a lot of those right now)...thank you Sanctus Real!!} I'm still broken, but I'm being re-built God-times stronger. Glory!

And with that I will close. Be blessed in our Savior.

Shalom,
~MW